I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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