I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
