Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
