So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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