oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
