I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
