tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
