i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
