How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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