spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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