Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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