I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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