This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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