the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
