how can u be prego again
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
