and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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