i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize