True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize