new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
