Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
