Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
