I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
