i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
