Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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