I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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