After last night, I could never be a politician.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
