First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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