We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
