it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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