Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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