drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
