I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
