i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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