Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
