My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
