she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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