I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
