TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
