apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
