cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
porn star boner night. come get it.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
