it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
