I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
