worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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