come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
There's always time for handjobs
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
