So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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