The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
