Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
