....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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