DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
