Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
