Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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