woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
