"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
