But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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