Already got asked if we're dating
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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