My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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