Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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