he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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