i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
