my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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