Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
