I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
nutella sex= disaster
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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